The funeral

It's been a few days since my past post that made me want to start a blog. I'm going to try to make an effort to continue writing since it is, in a masturbatory sense, cathartic.

The funeral was held this past Thursday. We went in a limo. I remember telling my father that I did not want to go to the funeral in a limo. It gave me a very awkward feeling. I don't know exactly why. Perhaps I had a strange feeling since it wasn't the natural order of things for me. It was an issue of experiencing something unknown or rare out of my normal comfort zone. It also could have been irrational feeling due to the funeral itself. I'm not sure.

I talked with some relatives I had not seen in awhile. It was a bittersweet feeling. It reminded me of all of the things I have been neglecting in my life, but it was just very pleasant to reconnect. One family member said that her new goal in life was to create a graphic novel. I first thought negatively about the idea, but then my better half kicked in. I talked for about an hour with her regarding her plans to create the graphic novel. I remember myself just being so in admiration of her. It wasn't admiration for coming up with the ideas or planning involved in getting the project off the ground. I was admiring her for the passion she had in just talking about her idea. She could have been talking about shoveling a pile of dirt and I still would have been just as impressed. It was a vibe that I hadn't observed in quite some time and it honestly took me by surprise. I wish her all the best.

Death in the family

My sister called me earlier this morning. She was crying.

I was sitting at my office desk working on a concurrency defect filed by myself. I had found an interesting issue where I had attempted to be too clever in killing a specific thread and wasn't clever enough. When attempting to find solutions for problems, I often forget to go back to the basics. I consider myself somewhat bright on certain days and absent-minded and foolish on others. For some reason, maybe pride, or perhaps just curiosity, I try out new solutions to old problems. Sometimes they work. Most of the time they don't. I need to remember to go back to the basics. Simple is good.

She told me that my grandmother died earlier today at 6:30 in the morning. She had been suffering from pneumonia. She told me that she had gone to visit my grandmother in the hospital the previous day. There were tubes everywhere. She asked me if I was ok, so I responded, "Yeah." She then told me again. My grandmother was in a bad state.

"She looked to be in such a bad place. Is it better than she passed away?" She was looking for comfort.

I thought, "Maybe." I responded, "No." I asked her how she was feeling. I can't remember if I asked out of genuine concern or because that question would be expected from me.

I was concise with my responses, but my mind raced in a number of directions at once.

My ears are ringing.