Social cues

I had an interesting encounter at work where a new co-worker gave a strong, contested opinion to management without picking up on or feeling out the social dynamic of our work group. Needless to say, many of my co-workers were quite peeved by the comments.

It got me to think about how to approach the new co-worker in a gentle fashion to give him a heads up that he was commenting on a very sensitive work topic and that his comments, in particular, were not received well.

It also got me thinking how it's not my battle to fight and he's on his own to learn his own lessons.

I'm not sure which road to take here.

Knees

My knees. They currently hurt. That is all.

Pops

So I attended the Cambridge Symphony Orchestra's annual pops concert this past weekend. It originally was supposed to be held outside at Sennott Park near Central Square, but being that it was overcast the entire month of June, the organizers decided to move it indoors to a nearby youth center.

It was a good time. They ended up playing medleys from Broadway musicals like West Side Story and Chicago. I haven't seen West Side Story since I was in middle school and I've never seen Chicago, but it still was enjoyable. They also played a medley of Star Trek music which brought a little inner geek enjoyment out of me. They closed it out by having a symphonic narrative in respect to the African-American poet Phyllis Wheatley. It was good in an avant-garde way. I have to find more events like this since it was a nice change of pace.

Weekend

There's a lot that I can say about this weekend, but I need some time to gain some perspective to discuss it more concretely. Some things I learned about myself:

1. Despite my ongoing internal dialogue, my initial estimation is usually the correct one. In other words, my instincts are usually correct.
2. If someone is funny and an asshole, then they are exactly that. They are funny, but they are also an asshole. Finding funny people isn't as easy as one may think. Also, trust your instincts and stay away from the dicks. People who routinely find trouble are to be avoided.
3. I can drink a lot of beer.
4. I can appreciate good musical technique even if the output is not as interesting to me.
5. I am not into illegal drug use on any level, even recreationally.
6. I received an e-mail from a close friend and then had a good long discussion with him. It helped me understand how to define what a close friend really is and is not.
7. I am not as socially practiced as many other people, but this does not correlate to me being an idiot.
8. I am comfortable with who I am, what I have accomplished, and where I am going.
9. I need a new mobile phone, but I don't want massive features on it, nor do I have any need or desire to be eternally connected.

I feel motivated for the upcoming week of work, which is a feeling I needed.

Good hair

As a guy, I don't think about this too often, but I am having alternating luck with my hair. Consider the following:

Monday: Bad hair day
Tuesday: Good hair day
Wednesday: Bad hair day
Thursday: Good hair day
Friday: Bad hair day

I have decided to get a haircut this weekend in order to stem the tide of hair uncertainty.

Now that I got that out of the way, it's not gone unnoticed that I took a break from serious blogging recently. Normally, when I blog of something of importance, it is because I want to clear some space in my head by reasoning things out in writing. It brings me some clarity. I have been feeling fairly clear-headed over the past month or so. Don't get me wrong. There are still things in my life I want to improve on, but I am progressing nicely in those areas. I feel like there is a combination of comfort. I am comfortable with where I am and also comforted by the various possibilities in my life. I feel exceptionally self-aware right now and that, honestly, feels pretty good.

That was pretty exhausting. It's the end of the week and I want to take a nap.

Sleep

I was exhausted when I went to sleep last night. I couldn't sleep much. Now, I am awake and am exhausted again, but I can't get back to bed. What the shit.

The Dentist - Part 1

I had a fantastic appointment at the dentist today. I do mean that. The cleaning went smoothly. They gave me novacaine. I can't feel my face right now and I think I accidentally bit my tongue and won't feel the pain for another few hours. I tried using a mouthwash to clean out some bacteria. When you have no feeling on the entire right side of your face, keeping liquid in your mouth is a challenge. I tried to accomplish this feat and hilarity ensued.

Appreciation for Honesty

It's rare to have refreshing honesty in life. Let me share a personal anecdote.

I moved into a shared house when I was away for school. It was shared between me and two other guys. One of the housemates left after the fall semester as he graduated early. I liked the final housemate, but we never really hung out.

After the spring semester, when he was moving out to drive to Washington, D.C. and his new life. We didn't know each other well enough to keep in touch. I said a brief goodbye and instead of saying goodbye, he replied, "Well... have a nice life!"

I wasn't offended at all by this blunt, and, to some, offensive farewell. It was actually amazingly refreshing. I laughed and went on with my day. His comment remains with me to this day as it had a lasting impression on me. I hope he is doing well.

Unknown state of being

One of the few readers of my blog site mentioned they wanted me to update the site. I haven't updated in about a week or so because honestly, I couldn't think of anything of interest to write about. Life is ok. There are things I would like to improve, but I am working on them (trying out more and more new things, being more social, general health). I consider myself fairly happy.

I like the feeling of being in a relationship, but I am not in a hurry to do so either if that makes any sense. I am comfortable meeting new people with the intention of learning more about them and becoming friends and if something more develops than I will be pleasantly surprised.

So far I seem to attract older women and gay men in my newly started online dating scene adventures. This is strange.

Japan

Random thoughts about my vacation to Japan:

1. There are very few trash can or trash receptacles on the city streets of Tokyo. This makes throwing out trash difficult.

2. There are many vending machines... everywhere. They serve the following most commonly: beer, coffee, coffee derivatives, tea, tea derivatives, soda, water, and sports drinks (Pocari Sweat). I know you enjoy a good bottle of sweat when you want to quench your thirst.

3. Japanese-styled crepes make authentic French crepe-makers cringe. Japanese crepes consist of a dough wrapping filled with whipped cream, chocolate, yogurt, fruit, and/or ice cream. And sometimes a mixture of tuna, mayonnaise, mozzarella cheese, and tomato pizza sauce all at once.

4. Japanese are much more slender and skinny than Americans on average. This made me feel fatter than usual.

5. Japanese are shorter than Americans on average. This made me feel taller than usual.

6. Japanese women tend to wear more makeup than American women. This makes them look more youthful (albeit artificially). I'm not a good judge of age in general, but when I was looking at eye candy on the streets of Tokyo, I was always wondering if I was looking at a 40 year old woman or a teenager.

7. The ero kawaii style (sexy cute) of many young Japanese women. Thanks for the eye candy ladies. This style consists of one of the following:
* High heel shoes, leg-length stockings, extremely short ruffled skirt.
* High heel shoes, knee-high stockings or knee-high socks, extremely short ruffled skirt.
* High heeled knee-high boots, extremely short ruffled skirt.

8. Lack of eye contact. Eye contact is much more subtle and quick in Japan than in the States. I think this may be due to a combination of shyness and the culture of respecting personal comfort. I got the impression that Japanese tend to stick with their own friends and family in public to a higher degree in comparison to the U.S. It is difficult to explain, but consider this final thought - Several times, I experienced a strange feeling of isolation even when walking down an extremely crowded street in Shinjuku. I had an empty feeling in regards to the acknowledgment of my existence.

9. Many Japanese cover their mouths when they smile or laugh. This seems more cultural than anything else. Is this done to prevent breathing or accidentally spitting on other nearby people?

10. Bad teeth. Japanese have comparable levels of dental hygiene in comparison to any other collection of people with first-world dental care. That is to say, I noticed people with perfect teeth and bad teeth just like in the States.

11. Nato, a fermented (read: rotting) soy bean covered in hot mustard and a raw egg smells like death and, unshockingly, tastes like it as well. Some people, including my dining company, enjoyed it. They can have my portion. Enjoy.

12. I can get convenience-level maki sushi (8 - 12 pieces of seaweed wrapped sushi) for anywhere between $2-$4 US dollars in Japan. It tasted good.

13. The rumors regarding cost of living in Tokyo is overrated as far as I could observe. It wasn't as expensive or was equal in general cost to any other big city I have visited or lived in. That isn't to say it is cheap overall, but it is manageable.

14. It is easy to get relatively healthy snack food (yakitori skewered chicken or sushi) for cheap. If the U.S. had this more available in addition to candy bars, hot dogs, or fast food, I think it would be easier to maintain or lose weight.

15. Riding the train is fun and easy, although slightly overpriced. Maybe the price would not be as bad if I got one of the better deals as a resident. I really enjoyed going around the city without needing a car. This makes me want to have better access to public transportation. Passengers also tend to be more well-mannered and the cars are cleaner than U.S. public transportation that I have used. Many U.S. citizens should learn from this rather than shitting on our own doorstep.

16. Lack of engagement. Japanese will not engage foreigners as much as U.S. residents will. I only was engaged a handful of times in my stay either by people who wanted to practice their English with me or via a friend. I think this is because many Japanese do not speak English and are embarassed or have no desire to do so. The U.S. is a huge melting pot with many ethnicities and groups living together. Japan is much more homogeneous. Before knowing someone, a Japanese person will assume a foreigner does not speak Japanese, but a U.S. person will probably assume an ethnic person does speak English. I think this led to some of the lack of engagement. It also made me miss the U.S.

17. Many Japanese women are very attractive, but I remember missing the boldness and confidence of American girls.

18. Whale bacon tastes bad.

19. Whale steak tastes good! I also heard an argument on how Greenpeace and its derivative organizations can be considered eco-terrorists for disturbing Japanese whaling endeavors.

20. Sushi is good. Why is it so expensive in the U.S.? Balls.

21. Smoke filled bars, restaurants, arcades made me miss smokeless bars, restaurants, and arcades. I had forgotten what it was like to come home smelling like an ashtray.

22. Engrish is funny and is very much in full effect in Tokyo.

23. I observed many Japanese men trim or shave their eyebrows as a form of style. I find this style somewhat effeminate on men but taste is a matter of taste.

24. Many common Japanese eateries tend to having counter-style seating rather than table or booth seating. This is due to the more common need to serve single business patrons who want to come in, eat, and leave rather than parties. It was a refreshing change eating more in a community style even if people tend to keep more to themselves as a whole.

25. Whenever I saw a foreigner, I could not help but to look at them. When I am in the U.S., this was never the case for me because there are so many different types of ethnicities and backgrounds on a day-to-day basis.

26. Urban neon sprawl is both amazingly ugly and strangely beautiful at the same time.

I probably have more, but that's all for now folks.

Scars

I have three scars on my face. Seeing how I am without a lot of content to write about, I figured I would write about how I got each one of them in chronological order.

Over my left eye - I got this one when I was very young. I couldn't have been more than 7 or 8 years old. I was playing on the outdoors jungle gym outside of a temple (I was raised Jewish). The jungle gym was a layered set of metal rings. These days, outdoor parks and jungle gyms are made a little more kid-safe. In my day, I climbed on high metal rings that were set on fire with gasoline. The only escape being a raised set of razor wire that a brave kid could use to rappel away from the burning heap of ringed metal using ungloved hands. Or at least, that's how I envision it. Anyhow, I lost my grip, falling down the center of the ringed metal contraption and slammed my head over my left eye against the metal frame. It hurt. I got stitches and remember being in wonder of how they more or less used by skin as fabric, sewing together the seam.

On my chin - Again, when I was young, I have a small scar on the left side of my chin when I had a mole removed for plastic surgery. It was a pretty nasty looking mole. One of those moles that hairs grow out of and I couldn't hide or mask it since it was on my FACE. That wasn't the main reason for having the surgery though. I actually was having a pre-cancerous birthmark removed from my chest area. I was conscious the entire time and remember the surreal feeling of my skin being tugged and pulled apart in unnatural ways. The local anaethesia worked, but I could feel the nerves of my skin in the unaffected areas going off as the procedure took place. As an added benefit, when people ask me about the scar on my chest, I can say in a deadpan voice that it was from that mugging/stabbing incident. The look I receive after saying this is usually priceless. It never gets old.

Over my right eye - I seem to have a habit of getting brutally wounded over my eyes, yet not grossly affecting my overall vision. I consider scars to be a ugly, yet charming form of character-building, so this is sort of a win-win. I received this bad boy when apple picking in New York with my family. At the apple orchard, they were giving out these long apple pickers. Essentially, they are polearms that can be used to chop off apples from higher portions of the tree since the lower portion is usually barren due to easy pickings. My mom decided to treat the polearm-like apple picker as an apple picker on my face... by accident of course. She swung it around and slashed the hell out of my eye. I immediately put my hand over my eye in pain as blood started to gush. She immediately when into full-blown panic, thinking she just slashed out my eye. I remember bending back slightly to deflect the blow. Lucky I have quick reflexes!

A little less conversation

This past weekend was a rather boring one for me. I entered the weekend with high expectations -- complete my taxes to get it out of my schedule.
-- go out shopping for a new pair of "going out" shoes.
-- go out shopping for new pants and shirts for the rapidly shrinking me.

None of this happened unfortunately.

I had one good workout and another bad one. I started off by walking at a brisk pace to get the blood moving and loosen up my legs for the eventual run, but as I got towards the point where I would take off at a jog, I didn't feel well. I had cold perspiration and wasn't able to focus. This seemed like a familiar sensation, but I couldn't identify it immediately. It occurred to me that this was the feeling I got when I had low blood sugar. I panicked in my head, stopping working out and ate some sweet green grapes. I was feeling better shortly thereafter. As a note, I need to make a better effort at timing my workouts appropriately around meals so I don't feel that again.

I had a long, good conversation with my good friend, "Beast". His real name isn't "Beast", but similar to how I write for myself, I change his name for reasons of privacy. That, plus having the first name of "Beast" is really awesome. We discussed how he perceives himself and how he often attributes himself with a positive attribute and then balances it out with a negative one. I pretty much told him that he was sabotaging himself internally. Upon further reflection, I think negative thought by itself isn't entirely detrimental, but it's more important to transform negative thought into positive critical thinking as long as the critical thinking is done reasonably. No one can truly know a person better than oneself, but, at the same time, certain aspects of personality cannot be determined without external perspective.

I had a great conversation with my sister about personalities and dating of all things. I was amused when she told me that I had an "asian persuasion" which simply is not true for me. Date one asian girl in your dating history and you're typecasted for life? :) I told her what I was looking for and she gave me some good "socializing" tips.

We also discussed how I have a bad habit at not giving people enough chances. You can't really know someone well unless you go out with them a number of times. Even then, in the grand scheme of things, you only will know them on a basic level. However, I realize that I need to be more open in giving people that chance and visa-versa. It's something I will work on.

I think I need to work on thinking less also. :) It's hard to get out of my head and just react based on feel. I don't know how people do that but would like to find out.

It's like riding a bike

Two posts in one day. What is my brain coming to?

I often have little happy thoughts in my brain that I wish I could think of more often. More specifically, positive thoughts, no matter where they may have originated, that spur some sort of memory of positive energy in myself.

I remember I was the last child of my generation to learn how to ride a bicycle, behind my sister and two cousins. It had become a tradition in my family for my uncle to teach all of the kids how to ride a bicycle legitimately. Previously to this point, I had been struggling with balancing with the help of training wheels.

My uncle went through the usual routine of teaching the fine art of riding a bicycle to me. However, there was one catch - a grim warning. He lived in the suburbs, about a 20-25 minute car ride away from where I resided so he mentioned the streets would be light or empty of car traffic while I was learning. The grim warning wasn't to be wary of car traffic while I was learning to ride in the street. This went without saying. He went on to say, "I don't know what it is about how I teach people how to ride a bike, but everyone one of you (my sister and cousins), lost control of their bike and rode into the steel-enforced mailbox on the side of the road. I don't want to put a hex on you, but be careful!"

We started with me trying to get accustomed to my center of weight resting on the small seat of the bicycle. I was unsuccessful a handful of times managing that portion as beginner balancing involves managing your center of weight while starting to move your legs to peddle. Riding a bicycle was not just about balance, but balance in motion.

I started to show improvement, managing the initial mount and movement technique. My uncle proceeded to walk and then jog besides me as I rode the bicycle slowly along the pavement of the street. After a few more attempts, he approached me and said, "Okay, I'm not going to hold the handlebars after you start to get moving, so be ready for it." This warning wasn't very helpful, as I was already anxious to not crash and injure myself, focusing intently on my riding technique and the road ahead of me.

We got started. He ran next to me on the bike as I started to pick up speed. I then remember him saying, "Look, you got it! You got it!". I looked back for a moment to realize he wasn't holding on to the riding bar. He wasn't running along beside me any more.

I then swerved out of control and rode straight into the steel-enforced mailbox.

My uncle ran to me, asking if I was ok. After receiving the all clear, he joked with me about it. "Someone should probably move that mailbox."

I picked myself up and tried again - this time with success.

Loose ends

I have my flaws like any other person out there. One of the flaws I've tried to work on is to do a better job at giving people second chances. When I say second chances, this isn't some sort of judgment from up above declaring mercy or charity, but rather I give myself a second chance to reconsider if I have been in the wrong in reacting to another person's actions. Yes, I realize this is playing a tightrope act with the concept, but considering second chances helps me gain perspective about other people and, more important, how I think. If I have a better understanding about how I think and react to those thoughts, I can revise them in a positive fashion.

In the past, I have cut ties completely with past girlfriends or serious interests because lingering on is a painful process. One ex-interest has been staunch in her ability to attempt to maintain contact with me in an attempt to be friends. This has been, for the most part, unhealthy. There's really no other way to describe it.

I was extremely cautious about interaction, wondering if the intention was genuine for friendship or if there was something else at play. Something else was at play.

Why do I think this?

* Endless references to going on vacation with me to traditionally recognized romantic getaway locations.
* Flirtatious talk directed towards me.
* Talk about how our relationship used to be.
* Unceasing directed comments on how I will not "forgive" her for the relationship.

Now, let me be straight. I have said this type of talk makes me feel very uncomfortable and I am not interested in her in an intimate fashion anymore. She goes on, ignoring my remarks. I have communicated that whenever she talks flirtatiously or remarks about visits or vacations, it, again, makes me feel very uncomfortable. She continues, thinking that we have not lost a beat and there is no sense in working and building up a friendship. In other words, there are no broken bridges to mend and we should get along as "friends" in blissful ignorance of unworked out issues. Did I mention she tends to get in contact with me frequently after an ended relationship of her own?

I'm being an idiot.

I've decided to cut that shit off at the pass. I am not without blame, but she was and continues to be a emotional vampire in my life, attempting to gain self-worth through me and my past interest. Well, no more. It's over. Cut the cord. I will not have that negativity in my life any longer.

Scouts

Following up on yesterdays post, I thought I would share another story which helped shape me into who I am today.

My parents divorced at a very young age. I was less than a year old at the time so I don't remember the messy details of the divorce itself. In my formative years, I grew up without my father present. As I approached by pre-teenager years, my Mom pushed me to join the boy scouts. I wore the uniform, attended meetings to gain badges, attended events to race woodworked boxcars and perform group songs.

My father had re-entered my life at this time, attempting to sew a new and real relationship with me. We started small, meeting Sunday mornings to eat at the local diner for a late breakfast - myself, my sister, and my father. He usually had a plate of eggs and bacon with toast. I usually liked the choice of a bagel with a cheese omelette. Afterwards, we would catch the Sunday matinee. He allowed me to see my first 'R'-rated movie - something my Mom strictly opposed during my early upbringing.

I continued attending scouts once per week and eventually I planned to attend one of the scout jamborees. The jamboree was just a fancy name where scout troops (groups of boys with their scoutmaster) would gather together at a large campground. The intention was to play games, sports, hike, sing songs, and camp out in the wilderness. I was still young and like many of the other boys in my troop, my father came along with me. We participated in some sporting events, hiked, performed a group song, and roasted marshmallows.

Eventually, we decided to turn in for the night. We were laid out in sleeping bags for the entire night with no easy ground on which to sleep. I ended up having a horrible night, my back sore from sleeping on uneven rocky ground and, in turn, dreading another night of camping with that much discomfort.

My Dad and I exited our tent and saw a bunch of troops huddled around a morning campfire, stewing up oatmeal and vegetarian baked beans. Previous to this point, my mind thought of this morning breakfast as authentically rustic, something cowboys would do in the wild west. In reality, appeared like unappetizing, slimy gruel.

Outside the tent, my Dad must have been observing my dissatisfaction. I turned to him and, at the same time, he turned to me and said, "Screw it. Let's get out of here and head to the nearest diner." I remember thinking and wanting the same thing. We departed the campground and did not return for the following night. That was my last night of being a scout, and the start of my general dislike for camping. Howver, it was also one of many countless weekends I had with my father, eating breakfast and sharing company for the rest of the day.

Periodically, I think back to the shared realization we had when we turned towards one another in unison - agreeing to bail on the camping event. That was the first point in my life where I realized I truly was my Father's son.

Revelation 1

I was reading some old favorites posts on MetaFilter. One post asked the question as to what events helped shape your life. I thought I would share in turn.

I met the first girl I had ever truly fell in love with at a party filled with friends, acquaintances, and friends of friends. She was pretty and had a corny girlish charm to her which interested me. At the end of the long night, everyone had either left and those who had not were passed out from excessive alcohol. She was half-asleep, crashing on the living room couch and I remember laying a blanket on her before I took off.

Once we became a couple, she later told me that she laid down on the couch, not because she was tired, but because she wanted me to sit/lay down next to her. She told me that she was annoyed that I didn't make a move that night and that she immediately threw the blanket off her after I exited the apartment because it was excessively hot in the apartment. I laughed, thinking back to the acting she did, pretending to be somewhat asleep.

I had always thought I could read people easily before that point and it changed my perspective on how little I actually know about how other people are feeling and how to relate to them more closely.

Work perceptions

I had a long post about work perceptions in response to a work meeting that occurred in the past week. Some good things are just a little too good. I'll keep working on the pithy phrases.

The tally

I run every day. If I miss a day, I usually feel the jitters, and, worse, when I get back to running the following day, it's never as good of a run. I don't run as far as I would like, but I clip in at an adequate pace, sweat several gallons, and push my heartrate to higher levels.

Running is a grind. It is repetitive, and, in turn, can be boring. You run, usually in the same gait, moving one foot in front of the other and repeat several thousand times. Despite the boredom that can occur due to repetition, running offers something that is not boring - a mental challenge.

Here are the various things I think of when I get into a good running rhythm...
* I am starting to slouch. Focus on my posture to run more efficiently.
* My arms are moving in a crossing pattern. Try to get more parallel angles with them.
* My body is starting to rotate with each gait pattern. Focus on my posture.
* I have sweat dripping into my eyes. This itches or will get into my eyes, which is something I don't want. Wipe it away.
* My breathing is starting to get strained. Focus on breathing while my body involuntary keeps up the gait. Make sure I'm not missing breaths so I don't tire early.
* My legs are starting to get tired. Are they really tired or can I go further? Mind over matter.

To me, running is more about my mind overcoming itself, not just my body.

I weigh myself every Friday morning after I wake up for a benchmark. I lost three more pounds today. The tally keeps adding up and I have to keep up with it. Focus.

Anger

Over the past 10-15 years, I have had a lot of anger in my life. I'm not big into spirituality, but I think there is something to be said from an emotional standpoint for observing life with a sense of positive energy. This isn't to say that I would be comfortable with being a tree-hugger, hippie or straying completely away from my cynical realism. It's important to doubt and question. It allows me to think. It allows me to question to change what I think.

I spend a lot of time being angry with myself, or better stated disappointed with myself over what I have yet to accomplish. I think this anger stems from both internal and external sources. I get angry when I think other people break my internal code of morality - violating a worldview that exists in my mind which contains a policy of justice and fairness. The conflict arises when other people do not share this worldview. That isn't to say I get furious at others who disagree with my ideas, but when the conflict stretches to a point of being offensive, it makes my blood boil. The irrationality of anger is powerful, affecting myself and those around me in both positive and negative ways. Yes, anger can be a force for positive change. The problem is when anger is a force for negative change. That type of anger should be more controlled, but I am unable to do so sometimes and I get most disappointed with myself as a result.

I do not have much positive energy in me although I am trying to change that. This is not an easy task.

On-call

I am the primary employee on-call this week. What does this mean? This means I am responsible for replying to the following avenues of inquiry from our business customers and parters:

1. E-mail list.
2. Legacy web forum.
3. New web forum.
4. Business support inquiries.
5. Support engineer inquiries.
6. My personal favorite, escalated phone call inquiries.

I get paid for being on-call. This is the benefit to being on call.

What is the downside?

1. Being responsible for support on systems with which I am unfamiliar. The support model is the blind leading the blind from a certain perspective.
2. Being the last line of defense for support. The majority of support engineers day-to-day responsibilities involve understanding the entire solution or at least trying to reach that goal. My day-to-day goal involves being an expert on a small handful of subcomponents within one product of the solution. The support engineers are better suited and knowledgable about the product as a whole. Blame this on my responsibilities or lack of training but this is the awful truth. In fairness, I can bend the idea of being on-call to support to being on-call to manage support. I am just a middleman to find the correct people who do know.
3. Blurring of work-life boundaries. This is a big issue for me and one of the most important things I look for in terms of job satisfaction. When the lines are blurred between work time and personal time, the term job blurs into indentured servitude.

From an reasoned perspective, I understand the idea for being on-call (to support customers and also so other employees don't have to do it more frequently). From an emotional standpoint, it pains me.